From The Mixed Up Thoughts of a Soon-to-be RM

Ah!!!
20 days!!!!!!
I don't know what to do! I'm freaking out! I'm so excited but I'm so nervous!
Will all of my stuff fit in my suitcases? I don't even know what my travel itinerary is looking like! My clothes and shoes are falling apart. I won't fit into ANYTHING back home...maybe I'll just wear yoga pants for three months and live in the gym. AHHH! I can't wait to see my family! Oh, that will be so weird, I haven't seen them in ages. We're definitely going to have to celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving. They'll probably hate that, then again it might just be me with a chicken pot pie and a Canadian flag cause everyone will be at school or working. Eh, that's ok. I could do that. I don't know what I'm going to do with all that time...or without being able to see J more frequently. Why is Washington so far away? School will start in 3 months! What am I gonna do? I'm an English major! That's like the 3rd most useless major in the world!! Why did I think that was a good idea?!? Oh right.. I can't do math and science might as well be Latin, oh wait....
I'm gonna need a planner...that would probably be good. I don't want to be a grown up. Too hard! I'm going to need a job to pay for my (eventual) phone, car, roof over my head! Food would also be desirable. Uh, I'm going to be 24 and living with my parents! I'm THAT kid! Actually let's be real, I'm going to be like...27 and living with my parents cause I won't be able to make a living off my useless degree!! AHHH!!!!!
Push that to the back burner and let that simmer for a while..I'm just going to worry about going home, seeing family, learn to function without a companion or a tag, and .....

survive. Yes, that's a good plan. Surviving is good.

"This is really volleyball!!!!!" -Sis Smith

 Nothing gets a missionary fired up like sports. It's the one time we can take our skirts and ties off, and expend some serious pent up energy. (Not the we have a reservoir of energy to use, it's just that that's about as close to normal feeling as we can get. So we get a little crazy.)


Recently we've been trading in our soccer nets for a volleyball, and THAT has been so fun. Nothing like a bunch of missionaries who don't really know the rules, who only kind of understand what's going on. Basically it's a free for all on each side of the net, and points are scored if the opposite team misses. :) That's it, that's all.


One thing that I've noticed and really loved is one phrase that has seemed to become our mantra for sports and missionary life: "Play on!"


If the ball hits the ceiling, it's fine! "Play on!" If you hit the volleyball with your head and it goes over, perfect! "Play on!" If you hit it more than three times before it goes over, who cares?! "Play on!"


Here's the moral of the story: When you hit a bump in the road, play on! When you mess up a little, (or a lot), play on! That's what the Atonement is for! It was never about how many times you fell, but how many times you got back up and kept. moving. forward.


Is it hard? Yes. Do you sometimes feel like throwing in the towel? Yes. But that's part of life; learning, growing, and coming out the better for it.


So, dear readers, keep those heads high.
Work out your problems with the Lord.
And don't forget to play on. :)


With love, from Can-Win

"Could the maker of the stars hear the sound of my breaking heart?"

Oh hey,


Remember that time I actually WROTE a blog post?


...Yeah, me either.


This week has brought a lot of insanity. I'm getting ready to come home soon, and that is such a strange thought. But I've been reflecting on the things I've learned, the things that have stirred the sweet little spirit inside me.


The biggest one I would have to say has been prayer.


I struggle with prayer. Some days it's hard for me to believe that anyone even cares about my problems, my wants, my struggles, let alone will listen and respond to the whisperings of my heart. Some days I feel alone, like He's not there, and my prayers are left on His voicemail.


But that's not true!!!!


He listens!! He hears every single whiney, tear-filled, angry, joyful word that is sent through our connection. He hears everything! He responds, it's just sometimes I'm so caught up in myself and my fears and doubts that I miss His answer all together.  That's hard. For Him and I. But we work through it, and I carry on.


So this is a short post, but it's filled with every ounce of testimony I have on this subject.


We are children of God. We pray to the Father, and the Father hears and answers us.
Never the way we want.
Never in the timing we want.


But He does listen.


And that is a fact.


With love, from Can-Win

"If you find it's me you're missing..."

Life moves on, and I move with it.

This week I will be leaving my beloved Wildwood SK, for the great familiar Winnipeg. There are pros and cons to this. The biggest are these: I have so many people I loved and left in Winnipeg that I will get to see again...I have so many people I love and will leave here.

My heart is totally torn in two.

So this one goes out to Saskatoon:

You were so good. After having just a hard time, and not really knowing what I was doing, or how I fit, you helped me figure it out. You helped put me back in contact with the God I felt so far from, just by loving me as He does. I know some of you might be snickering and shaking your heads, but it's true. You were so very good to me, and I loved every crazy minute.

So this one is for all the Friday night dinners we spent laughing, talking, watching performances put on by Snippy Snap, and drinking quite a bit of pop. This is for all those Tuesday morning laundry visits, and long conversations about everything over lunch. (And that husband that stalks missionary blogs!) This one goes out to all those families that took my companion and I in and let us exchange service for family time. You'll never know just how much that kept us sane. This is for those rounds of Phase 10, fixing the kitchen, going to game night, going to the temple, and all the ways you let me serve you.

This post is pretty much one HUGE big thank you to everyone in the Wildwood ward who loved me, joked with me, gave me things, memories, and advice.

I cant even tell you how much of my heart I'm leaving with you.

I'm gonna miss you all like crazy.

With love, from a Wild Sister

"Please don't fight these hands that are holding you..."

Recently I have found music that has made me stop and think. Which, quite frankly, isn't that uncommon. In fact I would say it's more common than not that I learn about my relationship with God through music. My roommate (who actually hasn't been my roommate for 2 years but I still call her that) says it's funny, because lyrics have always been a thing for us. It's always been a way that we receive clarity, inspiration, peace, and joy. I guess it would make sense that the Lord would make use of that.

So here I am....

In Canada.

A missionary.

Struggling with ups and downs.

And listening to music to find peace. 


"Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching...as if I'm not enough? Please don't fight these hands that are holding you..."


Oh hey there, Heavenly Father..

I think the thing that hit me hardest about those lyrics was the question: "Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?" He is enough. He is everything. And in my human weakness I fail to see that most of the time. I think maybe sometimes I break His heart just a bit with the way I casually turn to everyone but Him for the answers to my questions, problems, fears, and frustrations.

"To where will you go, child?"

I don't know. I don't know where I would go. His arms are safest. His heart provides the most comfort.

I don't know why I would choose to go anywhere else.

But I do.

I should fix that.

Alright. Off to be someone's missionary, and maybe ponder life as I know it a little more carefully.

Love you all.

With Love, from Can-Win.

Amazing Grace

This is going to be a lengthy post, A) because I have such strong feelings on this subject, which leads to B) I have so much I want to say.

(Now is the point in the program where those who do not wish to continue onward may close a browser, mosey on to something else, or "accidentally" shut the computer off. For the rest of you still reading, take luck.)

I have a very hard time when I hear people say, "Oh, well, that's all fine and dandy but the Atonement doesn't cover what I've done. I can't be forgiven."

Ah.

I just..I hear that-and it kind of makes me want to punch myself in the face. A lot. It just-ah!-it bothers me so much! Why, you may ask?

CAUSE IT'S FALSE!!!

It's a lie. A falsehood. It's not true. It's the absolute antithesis of pretty much everything The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints believes/teaches, not to mention goes against everything Jesus Himself taught. He didn't condone sin, but He never condemned the sinner.

Think about this: God loves us. We are literally His children, and He wants us to be happy. In order to attain happiness we had to come to earth, play on a field that is unfamiliar to us, and is littered with spiritual land mines. There are so many things designed to distract and neutralize us, to confuse us about our divine identity, to mislead us to think that wickedness really is happiness. So here's my next question: Do you really think God would send us here without providing something that would cover all of us?

Don't get me wrong, I understand that there are some mistakes that are big ones, I'm talking the big, ugly, awful, horrible things. But do you really think a loving God would just shrug His shoulders and say, "Ooo, the Atonement only covers up to this point. You just barely passed that. I'm sorry, the Savior doesn't cover you."

 Really?

That just doesn't add up to me.

In the Bible, there are countless stories of the Lord associating and forgiving those who had done some of those big, awful, evil things. His message was always a message of love and redemption; His life's mission was amazing grace.

"And he cometh into the world that he may save all men if they will hearken unto his voice; for behold, he suffereth the pains of all men, yea, the pains of every living creature, both men, women, and children who belong to the family of Adam." (2 Nephi 9:21)

"And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pain and the sickness of his people." (Alma 7:11)

"And behold, this is the whole meaning of the law, every whit pointing to that great and last sacrifice; and that great and last sacrifice will be the Son of God, yes, infinite and eternal." (Alma 34:14)

Does that sound like limited coverage to you?

Now, this being said, there is a difference between feeling like you can't be forgiven, and not really wanting to be forgiven. There are those who don't really desire to find their way back to the fold of God. That's their choice, and I will respect it. But to those who want to come back, who desire to be forgiven, and whose fear is keeping them moving forward: You can be forgiven. You can come back. 

It's hard to feel like you can return to a merciful God who is perfect with your inner soundtrack saying you can't, that you're worthless, that you went too far, that God does not want you back, that your mistakes can't be forgiven and forgotten. I know it is hard, the road back is always hard, but it is possible.

Jeffrey R. Holland said, "I testify that you have not travelled beyond the reach of divine love. It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ's Atonement shines." (-Gen Conf April 2012)

This is the glorious message of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. This is a message of love, healing, and hope. This is the message that resounds loudest in my ears.

In the last chapter of the Book of Mormon, the prophet Moroni exhorts or encourages us with these words: 

 "Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him..."

I love these words. "Be perfected", not "be perfect".  Being perfected is a process, and that takes time, and repentance. 

So, this post is dedicated to all my home-boys and girls, who feel like it can't be done. False. It can be done. That's the beauty of amazing grace. 

If you need help, ask your parents, ask your bishop, ask the missionaries!

They can help you.

Come home. 

You're missed here.

With Love, from Can-Win

Go ahead.

"Endings are not our destiny..."

Life is weird today.

I've spending a lot of time contemplating my rapidly approaching "finish" mark. There is so little time left, so much I feel like I should have/could have done. I feel in many ways that I didn't do enough, didn't become enough, should have talked to more people, should have tried harder to overcome my fears, should have just done it! 

I should have been the perfect missionary.

Welp! Surprise, surprise, guess who still isn't perfect? :)

But that was never really the point. The point was to come, to serve, and to be my best. Honestly, sometimes my best means getting up on time and eating breakfast. Other days my capacity is much greater.

I'm scared to go home. Even with the voice of my father ringing in my ears that there's nothing to be scared of, just family and friends waiting to welcome me, I'm still scared. I wonder if this is how it felt to stand on the brink of that pre-mortal life, knowing that I had to go, that there would be loved ones waiting for me, but panicking a little inwardly. I bet that's fairly accurate. But even there, I had the voice of my Father in my ears, telling me that it was ok to go, that there was nothing to be scared of.

Trust me. 

I feel like that was probably the last thing I heard before I left.

Well, these days are full of life to be lived, people to meet, with my life contained to two suitcases and my scripture bag. I keep telling myself this isn't the end, just a really wild beginning to the rest of my life as a grown up. :) And it's true.

President Uchtdorf said, "There seems to be something inside us that resists endings. Why is this? Because we are made of the stuff of eternity. We are eternal beings, children of the Almighty God, whose name is Endless....endings are not our destiny."


With that in mind, I'm off to go make this day a good one. 
Stay classy.
Stay excellent.

With love, from Can-Win

p.s. Shout out to the BV crew!

Secret Missions and Strawberry Kisses

I haven't written in forever, so this post may be super disjointed as I play catch up to the last little bit of my life. 

I'm currently serving in Saskatoon, in the Wildwood ward where we are affectionately known as the "Wild" Sisters. (Haha, Elders. Very funny.) Most people have little ones and "Hutchinson" is kind of a mouthful, so I'm Sister Hutch. It's gotten to the point where most of the adults call me that too. I don't mind, and it's super cute to hear all the kids say "Sister Hutch! Sister Hutch!"

So, here I am just doing missionary work forever away from home; but life is good. 

One of our investigators was baptized, received the priesthood, and went to the temple within a two week period. Crazy! We were blessed to be able to accompany him down to Regina. (BEST. DAY.EVER.)

My mission also had the rare opportunity to gather as a whole, all 150-something of us, and have a conference in Regina where Elder Christofferson addressed us. First of all, he's HILARIOUS!!! I love that guy! Such a great sense of humor. Second, I love what he said to us. After having a little Q and A sesh, Elder Christofferson gave us a sermon in one word: Remember. He then said, "Remember that you and I were here. This will likely be the only time in this life all of us will be together. Remember this. We were here. I was here, and you heard me say: Jesus Christ lives!"

I just loved that! I feel that the way I feel about that one moment is probably how various others felt about listening to Jacob, or Ammon, or Moses. 

Well, transfers came and Sister Smith headed out east, and I welcomed Sister Hansen!!! Woohoo!! We have so much fun!!

Ex: This week I was really struggling just to feel charity for my elders, let alone show it. I mean, it was an honest struggle. So Sister Hansen being the sweet thing she is says, "let's make cookies, and you can write nice notes to each of them."

Siiiiiiiiiigh. Fine! Then as I'm sitting down to write these notes...I have an idea. I just get so excited about this idea I start grinning like I'm the Joker or something. I think Sister Hansen could see it, and was a little worried because she said , "Whaaat?" in kind of the Mom voice that says 'i'm not gonna like what I hear, am I?' I just flip out, and I said, "I'm going to make them all go on secret missions to find their treats!!!"

And that is precisely what I did. 

I sent out messages saying that an important mission had come through the T.S. database and that I needed volunteers to accept the assignment. All 4 sets of Elders agreed. I then proceeded to direct them to various locations in search of their package which would contain not only cupcakes, (the cookies burned), but a note telling them their next assignment was to spread the love. It was so FUN!!  Thus, secret mission goodies are now a thing. 

In addition to secret missions, this week has brought packing, packing, aaaaand...oh yes, more packing! Our ward consists mostly of young student families who travel back home for summer time. So this week brought many opportunities to serve those in our ward. Woohoo!

The highlight of my week, however, was dinner last night. We had pancakes, syrup, strawberrys and whipped cream, along with kids running around, animals under foot, and the singing of Disney songs. It was so good. I extended scripture challenges to the two older kids, and was torn between the two middle kids vying for the attention of myself or my companion. But I totally fell in love with the 3 year old with blonde hair, and brown eyes who wants help blowing her nose and gives sweet spit and strawberry covered kisses. Honestly, being at their house made me miss my own crazy home. I know exactly who I am and where I fit there. 

I'm the oldest child, born of goodly parents with three terrors for younger siblings. I am chauffeur, instigator,  and zoo keeper. I am late night partner in crime, gym buddy, and runner for whatever it is that Mom or Dad might need. I am comic relief, storybook reader, and local database for useless information. I am also quite the con artist, hoodwinking my 3 younger siblings out of all their hugs, kisses, and cuddles. (No place like home, eh?)

I'm still trying to figure it out here. I don't really know who I am, what I want, or where I'm going in life. The only thing that's really for certain these days is this: I am a disciple of Christ. I know He lives, and I want my life here, whatever that life may be, to lead me back home to His presence.

Be of good cheer, dear readers.

 Keep fighting the good fight. 

Have a family dinner. 

Pray to that God that gave you life. 

Admire the beauty of the world in which we live.

 Do work. :) 

Brethren, adieu. 

With Love, from Can-Win

p.s. Shout out to DR who likes to stalk missionary blogs!!!